


Don't you ever tame your demons but always keep 'em on a leash

by Ineffablemurderhusbands



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Crying, Emotional Hurt, F/F, River Song's Diary, Thirteen snaps, angry!doctor, dark!Doctor, poor yaz, unrequited crush mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-21
Updated: 2020-01-21
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:00:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22342984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ineffablemurderhusbands/pseuds/Ineffablemurderhusbands
Summary: The Doctor snaps at Yaz when she finds her reading River's diary.
Relationships: Thirteenth Doctor/River Song
Comments: 8
Kudos: 191





	Don't you ever tame your demons but always keep 'em on a leash

**Author's Note:**

> Look this idea has been in my drafts since 2018 because we hadn't seen 13 angry yet and I was worried that I would not be faithful to her characterization, that's not to say I was faithful now because I have no idea, I just knew that I wanted to write Thirteen snaping at Yaz about River's diary. Please leave kudos and comments if you like. 
> 
> All typos are mine and the title is a verse for Arsonist's Lullaby by Hozier because of course it is.
> 
> Yes it is me, former justmarcialima, I changed my nick to something more fandom related.

Yaz didn’t consider herself a particularly nosy person. Of course, working in law enforcement as a copper she needed to have a healthy dose of curiosity in her system but in her personal life she usually minded her own business. She was usually the person that didn’t want to hear a gossip or waited for someone to open up. She only pushed when she needed to know or when she was worried and that was the reason why she was now in the TARDIS library looking for a book who could enlighten her more on which species the Doctor was. Yaz was deeply concerned about her friend. The Doctor had told them a few things about her in a tone that sounded like it had been dragged without consent out of her and even then she hadn’t told them anything of actual significance. 

So it was safe to say that Yaz’s curiosity was picked. She didn’t understand why her friend was holding information back from them if she knew every little boring detail about their lives. The Doctor knew she could trust them so why wasn’t she sharing? So during a quiet day in at the TARDIS where Ryan had gone out with his friends to play – or in Ryan’s case, watch - basketball, Graham was trying to bake at the kitchen and the Doctor was buried beneath the console table tinkering with some wires, Yaz had decided to go look for some answers at the TARDIS library. 

The TARDIS library was Yaz’s favorite place on the ship besides her bedroom. The ambient was just cozy with walls covered from top to bottom with books, plush sofas and bean bags, a beautiful view to wherever they were parked and a kettle with never-ending warm tea. It was the dream. But right now Yaz had no time to sit back and relax as she was a woman on a mission. She started looking into the shelves to see if any particular books catch her eye. There were a lot of books in the strange language of the Doctor but the TARDIS didn’t translate those for some reason, so those were out unless she found a translator. The most difficult thing was that the books were not organized. She found a copy of The Communist Manifesto by Marx and Engels next to Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, so the shelves were a mess. The Doctor had a lot of books on engineering, history, anthropology, archeology – even if she insisted it was rubbish – astrophysics and many others but nothing caught her eye until she was almost giving up. She had found the blue book entirely by chance as she sat down on one of the more hidden chairs in the library to catch her breath. As she got up she hit her head on a hidden shelf and something dropped to the floor. 

“Ouch!” She winced as she rubbed the spot where she had hit. “Where did you come from?” She asked at the shelf but then she noticed the little blue book on the ground. “Oh.” She crouched down to pick it up. “You look just like the TARDIS.” She muttered as she turned the book in her hand. It looked quite worn, like it had been read a lot of times. Yaz opened the book and was surprised to find it was handwritten in a beautiful calligraphy. With her curiosity instantly picked, she sat down on one of the sofas, poured herself a cuppa and started reading. Yaz quickly realized it was a diary of sorts and she felt dirty reading it but it wasn’t written in the Doctor’s scrawny calligraphy so that lessened a bit of her remorse. 

The owner of the diary however had written a lot about the Doctor and that was incentive enough for Yaz to power through her guilt. The woman – because it was a woman, there was no denying it – had written about her travels and adventures with the Doctor – all the incarnations of him – and had written little musing and thoughts about every moment with him. There was no mention of the Doctor that Yaz knew, the woman that she learned to love. But the woman in the diary loved the Doctor. Her love poured through the pages and the ink in such a way that it brought tears to Yaz’s eyes. This woman loved the Doctor with all of her being and reading through the pages, Yaz had the sense that the woman thought the Doctor didn’t love her back. She could relate to the feeling. Yaz hadn’t even reached the middle of the diary when she was interrupted. 

“What are you doing?” The Doctor’s voice was icy cold, like when she talked with one of their enemies. When Yaz raised her head, she realized the Doctor was talking to her. The Doctor had an expression her face that made Yaz feel afraid. “Who gave you the right to read this?!” She asked as she ripped the diary from Yaz’s trembling hands. The Doctor was angry as Yaz could see in her eyes but her voice was completely calm. She wasn’t screaming or anything, but her voice was commanding and completely terrifying. “You shouldn’t be reading this!’ 

“I-I-I’m sorry, Doctor!” Yaz said as she got up from the couch. She had never seen the blonde so outwardly angry before. Yaz had glimpses of the Doctor’s dark persona before, but it always passed quickly. Not this time. Now Yaz was having the full vision of the Doctor’s anger directed straight at her. “It wasn’t my intention.” 

“Oh, it wasn’t your intention you say?” She said sarcastically. The Doctor had a smile on her face that didn’t reach her eyes at all. “So are you telling me that you simply tripped over my most private possession?” She stepped forward and Yaz instinctively stepped back. “This was hidden, Yasmin. You couldn’t have found it unless you were actively looking for something.” 

“I-I-I…” Yaz didn’t know what to say. She could feel her eyes watering and the tears falling but the Doctor’s expression remained impassive. 

“Cat got your tongue?” The Doctor said menacingly. 

“Who was she, Doctor?” Yaz asked, feeling emboldened and angry at the Doctor’s reaction. It wasn’t the right thing to ask, because The Doctor only got angrier. 

“Oh, do you think you have any right to ask me that question, PC Khan?” She said. “You don’t have a right to know anything about her! You certainly didn’t have a right to defile her memory by reading something that wasn’t meant to your human little eyes! This isn’t for you to know.” She waved the diary around. “You couldn’t understand it anyways, you’re only human after all. She whispered it. “Leave.” She said with finality. 

“Doc-.” Yaz said with trembling lips. 

“Leave. NOW!” She said emphatically, raising her voice just a bit and that did the trick. Yaz rushed out of there in tears and the Doctor dropped to her knees as she heard her sobs echoing down the hall. Now alone, the Doctor let her own tears drip from her eyes as she hugged the diary against her chest and did some sobbing of her own. 

The TARDIS hummed above her frantically and the Doctor looked up as she yelled: 

“Oh shut up!” 

The TARDIS hummed more, this time she also sounded angry. 

“Oh, was I too harsh with the girl?” The Doctor asked sarcastically at the ceiling in an angry tone. “She didn’t had any right to go through my personal things!” The shipped hummed again. “WHAT DO YOU MEAN I’M BEING AN INSENSITIVE PRICK?”  
The TARDIS was silent. 

“WHAT? Are you going to give me the silent treatment now?” The Doctor got up from the floor, wiping down her tears with the sleeve of her coat. The TARDIS buzzed. “I will not apologize to her! She’s the wrong in this, she shouldn’t have been nosy.” The TARDIS buzzed again, this time changing the color of her amber pillars to red. “I’m not being stubborn!” The TARDIS buzzed again and the Doctor gasped. “What a foul language!” 

The TARDIS didn’t say anything anymore, she took matter into her own controls and threw them into the time vortex, throwing the Doctor on the ground as the ship shook and wheezed. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU CRAZY SHIP?!” 

A few minutes later they landed and the TARDIS didn’t say anything else. “What did you do?” The Doctor asked, running a hand through her hair since it had been whipped to her face. “Where and when are you?” The TARDIS remained stoically silent. “ANSWER ME!” She yelled. 

“What did you do this time?” The Doctor froze as she heard her voice coming from the entrance behind her. The voice that she had longed to hear for so long and she was sure she would never hear again. “The TARDIS rang me.” 

The Doctor turned around so fast that her hair whipped to her face and she felt dizzy at the sudden movement. There in the door of the TARDIS’ Library was the love of her life, River Song. The woman looked as gorgeous as ever of course. She was wearing tight fitting jeans, high heeled boots, a white button up and a denim jacket. Her phaser was strapped to her thigh as always and her hair was curly and glorious. “R-River?” The Doctor whispered, not finding her voice to utter her name at a higher tone of voice. 

“In the flesh.” The woman smiled sultrily. Her supple lips were painted red. “Hello, sweetie.” 

The Doctor let River’s diary hit the ground as she ran to hug her so hard that the woman had to brace herself so they wouldn’t fall down. The Doctor could feel her tears dissipating in River’s hair and she had the brief thought that the salt couldn’t be healthy for River’s curls. “What are you doing here?” She asked, as she peeled herself away from her wife only enough to look into her eyes. 

“Well, the TARDIS called me and told me that you were being difficult.” She said with a soft and fond smile. “So what did you do for her to be so angry with you that she called your wife to reign you in?”

The Doctor winced as she finally came to herself again. “I might have treated a friend of mine really badly.” 

River frowned. “That isn’t like you, Doctor.” 

The Doctor sighed. “I know but I was so angry. I was so enraged when I saw her reading your diary.” She confessed. “It wasn’t for her to read. It wasn’t her right.” 

River sighed and she broke away from the hug to pull the Doctor towards the couch. “I see.” She said. “But, love, you can’t be mad at her for being curious. I’m pretty sure she only read it because you didn’t share anything with her about you. She has the right to know who she is travelling with and who she is running with to these incredible and dangerous adventures.” She caressed her wife’s face. “I’m not mad that she read my diary so why should you be?” 

“I-I-I.” The Doctor mumbled. “You don’t understand how much that diary means to me.” 

“I do.” She squeezes the Doctor’s hand that was in between hers. “It means a lot to us both. In that diary is every single adventure we ever went to.” 

“It’s our love story.” The Doctor whispered. “I don’t want anyone to soil it.” 

“Nobody will soil it, sweetie.” River said with a sad smile. “Our story can’t be known just by us. It needs to live in the hearts of others so it’ll never be forgotten.” She winked at her wife. “We went through a lot for it to be forgotten. Don’t let our story die.” 

“Never.” The Doctor whispered fiercely then she sighed, feeling really tired. “I need to go talk to her, don’t I?”

“You do.” River nodded as the Doctor got up from the couch while still holding her hand. 

“Will you be here when I come back?” The Doctor asked with fear in her eyes, like River was an illusion and would disappear if she blinked. 

“I will.” River said with a smile. “Don’t worry, we can catch up when you come back.” The Doctor nodded but she couldn’t let go of River’s hand. “You need to let go of me, if you want to go.” 

“I won’t ever be able to let go of you, River Song.” The Doctor said solemnly and River smiled as she got up from the couch. 

“I sure hope not.” She whispered as she leaned forwards and kissed the Doctor’s lips softly and tenderly. “Now, go.” River whispered against her wife’s lips. “I’ll be here when you come back.” 

“Promise?” The Doctor asked in a whisper. 

“Promise.” 

The Doctor gave River a long look, committing her to mind before she left the library and went after Yaz. Unsurprisingly, the girl had ran to her room and the Doctor knocked on her door before opening it, not waiting for an answer. Yaz was laying down on her bed. Her face was red and her eyes were puffy. “Oh, Yaz.” The Doctor felt a pang in her hearts as she watched her friend look so miserable and know that it was her own fault that she was like this. “I’m so so so sorry, I didn’t mean to treat you that way.” 

“It’s ok.” She whispered softly in a husky voice. “It was my fault.” 

“It really wasn’t.” The Doctor sighed and stepped forwards, looking to Yaz for consent to sit on her bed. When the girl nodded she sat down. “You didn’t deserve my behavior just for being curious. I was way out of line and I’ll never forgive myself for the way I treated you and the things I said to you when I was angry and hurt.” The Doctor sighed. “The diary is a sore subject. It belonged to my wife.” 

“Y-Your wife?” Yaz sat down on the bed, startled. She knew the woman loved the Doctor but she never knew the Doctor loved her back. 

“Her name is Professor River Song.” The Doctor said with a smile. “Well, Doctor River Song now I suppose.” The Doctor looked sad for a moment but shook her head. “She’s an archeologist and university professor.” 

“You hate archeologists.” Yaz muttered, drying her eyes with the back of her hand. Her head was pounding from the crying but she was fully invested in the Doctor’s story now. 

“I do.” The Doctor gave a weak laugh. “But I absolutely love her.” The Doctor sighed. “We have a complicated history.” 

“I could gather as much.” Yaz nodded. 

“How far did you read?” 

“I was about to read about something called Byzantium.” She responded. 

“Pretty far.” The Doctor mumbled and Yaz winced. 

“I’m sorry, I know that I shouldn’t had read it but I wanted to know more about you since you’ve been so tight-lipped.” 

“You don’t need to apologize.” The Doctor sighed. “This is completely my fault. I’m really sorry about everything, Yaz. I’m sorry about snapping at you, I’m sorry about not sharing about me and my life, I’m sorry that I made you cry and I’m really sorry I hurt your feelings, that’s the worst of it all. ” The Doctor’s eyes looked completely sincere and Yaz had already forgiven her. 

“You’re forgiven.” Yaz gave a tiny smile. “Can you please tell me about your wife?”

“I can.” The Doctor smiled. “More people should know about our story.” She got up from the bed. “That’s why we should let her tell you.” 

Yaz’s eyes almost popped out of her sockets. “She’s here?” 

“In the TARDIS’ library.” The Doctor nodded. “So, Yaz, do you want to meet my wife?” 

“Yes!” She exclaimed. “But we should probably call Graham and Ryan too.” 

“We will.” The Doctor nodded. “It’s time my fam meets my family.”


End file.
